I have been meaning to write this blog for about seven months now but I never had the time and I was never pushed to point where I said, “That’s it I’m writing it”. Well last night I went to work out and there was a guy sitting on one of the pieces of exercise equipment just watching TV (he reminded me of Freakshow from “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle”). Not working out, just watching TV. Normal right?
Everyone has their pet peeves. Everyone has their types of people they can’t stand. Here’s my top 10 most disliked people at the gym:
10) Extremely fat people- You’re probably reading this and saying, “Wow Vas, you’re usually such a niiice guys why the harsh words?” Hear me out. I like fat people, I consider myself to be fat, I have friends who are fat. I don’t have an issue with people who carry a few extra pounds. If you’re comfortable like that, who am I to judge? And trust me I know how tough it is to maintain your weight when the chips are stacked against you (actual potato chips, those things are so damn good!). But if you are larger than most and you want to get into shape, shed a few pounds, see what you’re working with, don’t go to the gym and start off with 50 crunches. You did nothing to better yourself. All you did was give yourself an excuse of why you shouldn’t go to the gym tomorrow, because you’re going to wake up sore and you won’t want to move. I once saw a large lady walking on the treadmill with a freaking 32 oz. fountain pop in her hand. No help for her.
9) People who sing while they work out- Don’t get me wrong I love to sing. I do it in the shower, I do it while I cook, I even do it while I am on the porcelain palace. I pretty much sing 95% of my day. The one place I don’t sing? In the gym! You don’t go around belting out music at the gym like you are Celine Dion performing in Vegas. One you suck at singing and I want to tackle you off the treadmill, two, you suck.
AUTHORS EXCEPTION: If no one is in the gym and you are alone, sing until someone shows up.
8)People who go to the gym to socialize- If you are going to the gym to talk to a friend or catch up on the latest gossip, get the hell out! The gym isn’t a place to talk, it’s a place to be miserable and wish you were sitting on your couch eating those Hostess Cupcakes with the little twirly icing. Keep your conversations to a minimum.
7) Couples who work out together- If I didn’t know that in 30 years my smoking hot 25 year old wife is going to drag my fatass to the gym I would have put these bags higher up on the list, but one day I will be one of you weirdos. Please don’t come in and get on the two treadmills in the whole joint and walk as you gaze into each other’s eyes. Guys who lift weights with girls I have one question, are you out of your damn mind? And so help me God, if I see you holding hands you’ve just given me the right to throw a 10 lbs. dumbbell at your head.
6) People who don’t dress properly- You’re going to work out, not going to the clubs. Jeans are a no. Designer t-shirts are a no. Designer watches are a no. Flip flops are a no. Hats are a gray area for me, proceed with caution. I used to see this guy at the gym who wore cargo shorts every single time I was in there and the first time I was like, is this dude serious? But then he would go balls to the wall and pound out miles after miles. If you’re going to wear cargo shorts, you better be running like a Kenyon in the Chicago Marathon.
5) People who turn the channel on the TV- If you walk in and the TV is already on and someone is watching, tough stuff. They were there first. Wait your turn. If you touch the remote for any reason other than to turn up the volume, you might as well go get that 10 lbs. dumbbell and save me steps.
4) People who adjust the room temperature- I go to work out so I can get a good sweat going and burn some calories so I feel a little better about the fact I’m probably going to have clogged arteries when I am 30. I go to the gym to see results, what better way to show yourself how hard you worked than dripping with sweat? I don’t even know why they have fans in gyms; hell I don’t know why they have temperature controls either. If I had it my way the gym would be a comfortable 85 degrees and everyone would sweat their asses off. But it never fails, I will walk in and the fans will be on full speed and the temperature in the room is 65 degrees. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to sweat with that temperature, and I wear long sleeves! I was on the treadmill once and a guy came in and turned the fans on. I was right smack dab in the middle of my workout and I stopped the treadmill walked over and shut them off. I. AM. A. Bad. ASS.
3) People who don’t use the equipment properly- Listen I’m not a workout expert but I have lifted my fair share of weights and ran my fair share of miles on the old mill. But people who go workout and have no idea what they are doing piss me the hell off. I think the worst offenders are the people who put the incline all the way up to walk and then hold on to the side rails. Do these idiots understand that what they are doing is not helping at all? You would be better off just walking on a regular incline and turning up the speed a few notches.
2) People on their cellphones – I re-read this list 10 times and couldn’t figure out how this was only #2, if I wasn’t a germaphobe this would be #1. Cellphones are one of the greatest inventions ever. But they do not belong in the gym. Unless you’re the parent of a newborn, have relative who is about to kick the bucket, or you are a doctor, firefighter or anyone else who may be called and have to scoot in the drop of a hat, leave your phone in the car or your locker. You don’t need to be on your phone while you’re working out. First of all you’re not that important to where you can’t take 20-30 minutes out of your day and not tweet or update your Facebook status. And this is coming from me, the guy who tweets and updates some pretty pointless stuff sometimes. No texting while trotting, no e-mailing while elipticalling, no snapchatting while squatting, and no pinteresting while power-pressing. If you are on your phone while working out I am just going to assume you are watching porn as motivation to get in shape, unless of course you are into BBW stuff.
1) People who don’t wipe down the machines- It is common courtesy to wipe down the equipment you use once you are done with it. Do people realize how nasty it is to use the treadmill after you’ve been sweating all over it? There are drops of sweat all over the display and the side rails, it makes me gag just thinking about you sickos! It drives me crazy at my gym because there are so-called “health professionals” who work out there and they are the WORST offenders of this. If anyone should know how gross that is, it’s those jamokes. Some broad actually came up to me one time and said that she’s glad I clean the machines because she never does. I used to do a circuit and I would clean down the equipment once I was done with all the stations. If someone walked in and wanted to use a machine I was on I would wipe it down and make an adjustment. But that’s just me, I am an awesome person.
Oh by the way…Honorable Mention- People who bring their kids to the gym. I don’t care if the sign says no children allowed without supervision. It should say, NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. Kids don’t belong in the gym. Even if they are in the corner quiet as can be, they still are a distraction. And for the kids safety they should not be subject to watch me workout, that’s not good for anyone. The guy from last night once had his daughter/granddaughter in there playing on the treadmill like it was a toy and even had the audacity to say, “Oh honey don’t worry, you play if you want. They can use that there other one”.